O.J. Karma - Paint with Hate

With the latest OJ verdict (there is karma - yes!) - I thought you might enjoy another PAINT WITH HATE masterpiece.

As always it is funny, obnoxious and raw - a mix of journalistic details and blood. Check it out!

The Last Legs of Sunset 5

It's always sad when one of your favorite movie theaters is going under, even if you haven't been there in years. You remember films you loved and hated there, the friends and old beaus you saw and argued about the films with, etc.

I had time to kill last week while my car was being repaired so I ventured over to Sunset 5. Hardly anything is left! Virgin Megastore is an empty shell, no more Buzz coffee, no more CPK - pretty much nothing but Sunset 5 and Crunch gym (where they first offered pole dancing classes).

Once Arclight and Landmark hit the scene they robbed from Sunset 5's indie fare, getting the most popular titles in that market. Leaving only the runts of the litter at Sunset 5. I had only heard of one title there and chose the French film - A CHRISTMAS TALE - because of Catherine Deneauve and I also hoped I'd be transported to beautiful Paris via an engaging tale that afternoon.

Not so much. Catherine played a distant mother and grandmother who smoked cigarettes and showed off her stunning legs whenever possible. Her despised (even by her since birth) son becomes the only one who can donate bone marrow to save her life and is invited to Christmas for the first time in years by his suicidal teen-age nephew.

Ominous music and titles introduce each day that week which consist of wife swapping, fist fights, booze and more cigarettes, crying jags mixed with intellectual ponderings, and talk of the new girlfriend having an ass like Angela Bassett. Unfortunately, none of this was ever engaging. I never cared.

It made me long for "Home for the Holidays" or even an afternoon escape with "Four Christmases".

Oh well, found a good mechanic and that was worth the price of admission!

"The Scream" Sunset

LA's sky looks like the background of Edvard Munch's master painting "The Scream" right now. Streaked lines of fuscia, purple, burnt orange, yellow and deep blue in random order.

Incredible!

I'm sure it's still residue from the fires. But from tragedy and ashes, beauty can arise.

Or maybe it's a brilliantly colorful chaotic bkgd to the current world events.

Whatever it is - if you are in LA - run outside NOW!

SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE - the year's first must see!!!

On deadline for a project (I can tell 'cause I'm running errands with mad scientist hair and not bathing before the sun sets) so I'll write more on SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE later.

An incredibly beautiful, sometimes dark and life affirming film all at once. A modern fairy tale with Danny Boyle's signature kinetic and visual style. See it when it comes to your town - it's a cross-over film like LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL and AMELIE. More on it to come...

Nosy Nelly Tours and Scores at McMenamin's Edgefield!

Okay - it is a glorified vacation video.

That said, you are going to get a gander at THEE GREATEST PUB RESORT ON EARTH!!!

Check it out here:

Amazing Sight

So yesterday morning I saw a dude on a unicycle with a coffee in one hand, books in the other AND he was unicycling down a hill during rush hour! He must be both highly balanced and insane!

Haven't blogged in a while - got my real estate license and some funny stories to tell with that one about our ghetto word association practice sessions in Santa Ana.

Gotta study the issues now! But my two cents are yes on 1A (high speed rail) and on R (subway - we need it badly!).

NOOOOOO on Prop 8! And go OBAMA!!!

My Life as a Guru

Here's the latest Nosy Nelly installment as I reinvent myself as a house guru.

Obviously, I am voting NO on prop. 8. Don't make Ellen return her wedding gifts ;)

Walks With Harvey

Things spotted this week:

An older Asian woman softly hitting her butt against a palm tree while a younger Asian woman opened her arms up and out to a palm tree right next to it.
What's with all the tree stuff? Does this have to do with chi? If you know, let me know.

A Hispanic man sleeping face down on the ground in front of a psychic/palm reading house on 6th street/Wilton.

The bed of a pick-up truck jam packed with old televisions - some were huge, just no plasmas.

An African-American dude pulling out of a pkng lot with the rap music turned up BOOMING LOUD. The rap lost its tough effect as it was booming out of a Mini-Cooper. Not so gangsta.

One flute practice and two piano practices.

A bunch of Hispanic kids at a ballooned birthday party. They shouted "puppy, puppy" and walked with gleaming eyes towards Harvey. Unfortunately, I am still teaching Harve how to react to kids (he gets lungy, playful bitey) so I had to lead him off to the children's dismay.

The pooch down the block leaning out of the second floor window. I'll post the picture next time. He's a calm dude perched up there, takin' it all in.

Two Asian woman looking like beekeepers as they wore ultra long visors with material draped around it and their faces. You could only see glimpses of their eyes if you approached them straight on.

An older man walking with a cane up a Griffith Park trail to the observatory. It was super hot and I was ready to turn around when I saw him. Realized I needed to get it in gear and persevere!

Walkin' The Dog (aka Walks with Harvey) - Observations from the City Sidewalk

You definitely learn a lot more about your neighborhood and its inhabitants when you have to walk the dog 3 times a day.

My block is decent, but you turn East and hit pockets of sketchiness and go West a couple of blocks and you're in a whole different world with the tony mansions, perfect lawns and gated patio/pool backyards of Hancock Park.

Things observed/overheard last week:

- A true Tree Hugger - an older, thin Korean man humping a palm tree on Irving Blvd in Hancock Park. He was not merely exercising, his arms were wrapped around the tree and he was violently thrusting his groin back and forth against it. I stayed my distance, but couldn't not watch.

- Hulu Hoop Gal - a middle aged Korean woman swiveling her hips in a gated condo driveway at 3rd/Norton. She had no expression as she calmly kept the hulu hoop in play. She was good.

- a chubby 30ish white dude jogging at Pan Pacific Park that Harvey tried to jump on (he has a thing for runners). The dude used the old "what's your dog's name, what's your name, you wanna go for coffee?" routine. Ugh!

- Old people (one in a neck brace) milling about Griffith Observatory before it opened. They were enjoying one another's company and chatting in the parking lot. It wasn't due to open for a couple of hrs - so maybe someone made a mistake or there was a special event.

- The unmistakable sqwacking of someone practicing clarinet.

- Two people on different blocks practicing piano. One singing along. The one without singing was MUCH better!

- The Halfway House people bumming cigarettes and dollars and looking a little scary at the corner (especially this emaciated Michael Jackson looking dude with pearly white dentures). He greets you with a wide smile when you see him, but there is something really off about him. It's so strong you can feel it just by looking at him. Poor guy.

- The classic cat/dog chase. Had to pull Harvey back from joining in.

Stay tuned for next week's adventures...

Offensive and Smart!

Almost done with my writing/directing for the internet classes and will be posting new videos soon.

In the mean time - check out one of my fellow students shorts on McCain. His series is PAINT WITH HATE and he's an equal opportunity offender.

It's smart and funny and gleefully non PC all at once!

You may laugh, you may cry, you may feel anger and bile rising in your throat, but you will not leave unmoved.

And that, my friends, is no easy feat. Kudos to Andrew! If you like it, check out his other work at youtube - just type in PAINT WITH HATE. This is the kinda stuff that goes viral!

Wow! A Nasty Topper!

I thought I'd seen it all, but this political ad hits below the belt and in back of the knees and between the toes! Holy crap!

Al Franken is deried as a pornographer/rapist/bully. Poor Minnesotans being subjected to this in prime time!

Volunteer Angst!

Tried to volunteer to help on a political campaign and was highly irritated!

My offer to go to Nevada for a wknd and pay my own gas/room wasn't enough - they wanted more wknds. And I was to come in to make cold calls to other states. When I told them that my Ohio relatives still had election fatigue from 4 years ago and HATED those calls then and now - I was poo-poo'd and told that polls show the calls are effective and that I might have to do what they thought was best as opposed to what I thought was best.

I'm a volunteer - for God's sake! A volunteer. If you are going to condescend to me at least write me a paycheck.

Did It Again!

Ruined another shirt cleaning! Geez! And all I did was spray the kitchen counters in anticipation of our new dog Harvey!

The lesson is - limit your cleaning, it ruins clothes ;)

Lazy Cleaning - Tip on What Not to Do

If you are cleaning with anything with bleach, ANYTHING, even if it's just a dollop, change your clothes if they are something you like.

I already ruined a concert T-shirt that way and I did it again today. Just didn't feel like changing my outfit and thought I could clean neatly. STUPID.

Paradise in Portland!

Make no mistake about it - McMenamin's Edgefield is pure utopia! This former poor farm/inmate labor/nursing home is self-contained paradise.

Thank you FDR for helping this happen! The bones of this place wouldn't have been built without your belief in people helping others. Alas - sooner or later - no one wanted to help the insane and infirm and would rather have them wander the streets.

The stately institutional buildings almost hit the wrecking ball when Northwest pub maestros - the McMenamin bros - rescued and renovated the 74 acre grounds.

An on-site brewery, winery, distillery, concert grounds, par 3 golf course (that goes right through the concert grounds), a beautiful soaking pool, comfy robes you wear around the grounds, multiple little bars (that used to house laundry rooms, the morgue, potato processing plant, etc.), big porches (where you drink your beer in your robe), painted doors showcasing the former inhabitants, views of mountains and lush green grounds teeming with flowers, blackberries, pear and apple trees, (I ate handfuls of blackberries before I saw the signs where the berry fairy asked you not to), etc.

After I finish this Hammerhead amber ale microbrew made on site, my beau and I are going to check out a musician at the winery. A Nosy Nelly video will most likely come soon (unless I am too caught up in my microbrews to coherently make a piece). In the meantime - check out the link to this paradise on earth...

http://www.mcmenamins.com/index.php?loc=3

CHEERS!

90's Flashback

Isn't it amazing how a song can bring you back to the past? Just like that.

Long forgotten feelings (and lyrics) resurface and suddenly you're 16 again. Cheated on by your boyfriend and driving around town in your 8-cylinder Chevy Malibu screaming along to your cassette stereo which blares Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name."

It's the closest thing to time travel we have.

Some times when I hear certain songs/voices I even have an olfactory memory. Smells come back to me. Yeah, I'm weird that way. One of my ex's once said to me that "it was nice to smell me again" after we hadn't seen each other for a month or so (I was in Chicago while he finished college in Ohio). I still think that's romantic in a very visceral way.

But I digress...

Downtown LA's Pershing Square had these fantastic free concerts this summer and on Wednesday night we saw The Gin Blossoms. I have no idea what happened to them after their top selling album - New Miserable Experience - with all kinds of hits - "Alison Road," "Found Out About You," "Until I Fall Away" and the big one ""Hey, Jealousy!"

The singer's voice is just as melodic and unique and emotive as always. It took us all back and we realized we knew all the words to every song! Even though we had that CD (upgraded from cassette) stashed away for over a decade. Holy shit!

And on that note - here's "Hey Jealousy" - bet you know all the words still too ;)

Oops - YouTube's disabled all the embedding for the Gin Blossoms videos so go to youtube and look 'em up - you won't regret it!!!

Ladies of the World Listen Now! Flight of the Conchords are Singin' and Skatin' in Venice Beach - Just for You!

This blog is dedicated to Miss Safi - a roller skating queen who has yet to find a place in LA as cool to skate as Central Park in NYC! She first discovered the amazing dance party scene there while studying on the lawn for her mortuary school classes. How awesome is that?!

I went with her one wknd and will always remember the tall and slender, slow motion roller-skating male dancer and the woman in her late 50's who still has the moves of a Solid Gold dancer - only on roller skates!

The outfits/personas created by the skaters can't be beat! Forget Vegas - slap on some roller skates and you can be anyone you want to be there! You just have to believe (and learn how to skate without falling on your ass!).

The Flight of the Conchords are doin' their best to capture the NYC magic on Venice Beach as they pay homage to ladies of the world. They need to start a roller skating night at Moonlight Rollerway in Glendale or World on Wheels!

Let's start a petition and hand it off to Bret next time he's showin' off his moves at Moonlight Rollerway ;)

Nosy Nelly Trains For Open House!!

Nosy Nelly puts those Olympic athletes to shame as she prepares for open house day!!

Do You Know Your Movie Posters???

My college roommate - designer extraordinaire Michelle Moehler - sent me this cool link to the Empire Poster Quiz.

It challenges you to identify a movie by just one letter from its movie poster, taken out of context.

I even worked on one of films in the quiz and it took me two tries to guess the film right (although I knew it looked familiar right away).

Now test YOUR knowledge, it's fun:

http://repertoiretypographie.wordpress.com/

Beer Goggles Are Real! Doctor Proven!

Well, duh.

But now you've got a true medical excuse to explain your condition (or lack of conditions ;) the night before...


http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20080814/sc_livescience/peoplereallydolookbetterwhenyoudrink

Nosy Nelly - I Find Shit Out!

Okay - I was never gonna show my face in this blog, but now that I am taking Second City's comedy writing/directing for the internet class, I'm gonna have to reveal myself.

In this video blog (my first assignment) - I am a Nosy Nelly and in real life, I do get obsessed with real estate and who paid what, when.

There really is a V.E. too (watch the video for this acronym to be revealed ;) on a wireless connection in our vicinity. My beau and I chuckle every time the name comes up.

Sherlock Holmes pipe cost me an extra $25 so no expense was spared in this production!

This link works, but you can also go direct to YouTube and look up "Nosy Nelly" to watch in high quality (some bkgd info is hard to read, especially in standard format) and turn up louder 'cause we're still learning how to adjust the audio.

Kudos to my editor (my handsome beau) and to an Oscar winning performance by Leslie as a "woman on the street."

Kick Ass Commercials

I've started doing research for my internet comedy writing/directing class (which justifies my internet addiction) and these are two examples of when commerce and comedy collide:



It looks like Billy Idol is the jingle singer - or is the singer just imitating Billy's signature scowl?



Just HOW stoned were the creators of this commercial AND the Quizno's execs who approved it?! The crazy disturbing vibrating eyes on the rat-like crooners are classic!

Now I'd buy that for a dollar!

Redneck Stonehenge

Sick of the new rich neighbors complainin' - Utah farmer mounts rusty demo derby cars in the dirt like totems creating his own Redneck Stonehenge.

Good for him!

Country life comes with all kinds of sounds and smells (animals - they're just like us - just without baths or toilets!).

So if you move out of the suburbs to get your acre and a half of land - you gotta share it with the locals. I'm always sad when I see the former farmland of my youth taken up by generic developments. So if it's too pungent for you - feel free to sell your land back to the farmers.

I'll always cherish watching tall rows of corn wave softly back and forth in the breeze while the sun sets on a hot Summer's night. Then the crickets' chorus rises as a starry sky spreads over the countryside. It beats meditation or yoga every time. Ain't nothin' like it - that's fo' sure!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080804/ap_on_fe_st/odd_car_fence

Yes, I know my eggs are drying out, but I want my f%$#ing wristband!!!

I was poo-pooed last night when I tried to show my ID to a doorman at the Avalon. The doorman (who I shall refer to as ED2 - European Douche Doorman) gave me the dismissive once over and a "come on, bitch, you're old" gaze and refused to give me a wristband after he had given all my friends and my boyfriend one.

With an irritated and bruised ego, I proceeded to the door where the woman wondered why I didn't have a wristband and said I needed one if I wanted to drink. I shrugged and said, "He wouldn't give me one, he thinks it's beyond obvious that I'm old." She winced like "I'm not so sure," or maybe just "You can't drink without it" so I barged back up to ED2 and said "I'm gonna need the wristband anyhow."

ED2 was mid to late 40's with that Eurotrash air of superiority (even though he was working the door on a Wednesday night). And I wasn't out clubbing (never did that when I was young anyhow, this whole LA Velvet rope business is considered bullshit where I come from). The concert's average age was 35 and the crowd was guy heavy so maybe ED2 was just pissy 'cause his regular gaggle of young girls were absent. And, yeah, I know I'm no spring chicken anymore. My gynecologist gave me the "you better procreate this summer or freeze some fertilized eggs fast" spiel a couple of months ago. Ugh!

When we left that night I saw ED2 smirking, a bemused smug on his face as he watched a sweet and chubby geek pose for a photo in front of THE HOLD STEADY marquee. ED2 is too self involved to know the pure glee of seeing your favorite band perform and jumping around like a fool with your friends as you shout out their lyrics as one. And ED2 is WAY behind the curve, geeks and cougars have been the new cool for some time now.

I wish Mr. European Douche Doorman many more late Wednesday nights working the door in the superficial realm of Hollywood he calls home. And he can kiss my fat, white, aging ass too!

Check out THE HOLD STEADY below. The lead singer is what you get when you cross Woody Allen with the gesticulations of Joe Cocker - throw in some Bruce Springsteen intonation and catchy stories about parties, getting drunk and high, getting dumped, getting thrown in jail or landing in the hospital (one of my favorite lyrics - "It started recreational and ended up getting medical.").

THE HOLD STEADY songs introduce you to a cast of unique characters - like some of your favorite, if slightly crazy, pals. Seeing their shows is a fantastic experience for any age!!!

And She Was Shakin' (Woe-Ohhh-Oh-Oh-Oh)

Had a 5.4 earthquake yesterday. The chandeliers in the banquet room where I was taking a real estate class started rattling and, after a moment of confusion, someone shouted out, "Earthquake."

I may have even been that person (a couple of people said I was) but I don't remember. A dude sleeping directly under one of the chandeliers quickly jumped up. We started to file outside while everything kept rolling. You depend on the ground at least being stable, but like everything else, it's not.

The shaking stopped and we went back to class, chattering about it a second and making guesses on its magnitude - I guessed 3.8 - boy, was I off.

The dude who was sleeping in class moved to another seat and pointed to the ceiling - he wasn't sitting under a chandelier anymore. Our teacher went back to our chapter on legal disclosures in real estate contracts - which included fault line disclosures. The dude promptly laid his head back on the table and zoned out.

At lunch one of my classmates said she didn't mind earthquakes at all since she grew up with them. I asked her what was her biggest one and she said simply - "8.5."

Holy shit!

I thought the 6.7 Northridge quake I experienced in '94 was AWFUL! I can't imagine that.

My classmate grew up in Mexico and the 8.5 quake brought down her school. She said they went to several other schools that year while their school was rebuilt. It wasn't a big deal to her. Everything's relative.

It was our last day of Legal Aspects class so a small group of us took a picture. Of course, the sleeping dude struck a "white guy posing as rapper" stance and shouted out, "we're gonna be million dollar agents!!!"

Let's hope the properties we sell (or the one we just bought) are retrofitted...

Now try and guess the 80's rocker who sang the song above. Some may think it cheesy, but I LOVE that tune! And yesterday, she (Los Angeles) literally was shakin'!

Toonces Without A Cause

Remember Toonces - the awesome driving cat on SNL?

I was thinking about things I miss - and Toonces and Mr Bill are two of them. Why - to be honest - I can't totally articulate. But they're funny and memorable - they just are...

So sit back and relive the 80's as Toonces becomes a greaser Rebel and shows the other hoodlum wanna-be's how to go over the edge with a BANG - BOOM - BANG - CRASH!!!

Plumbers Rock (and wield a lean, mean steel auger too)!

Having both toilets and the hot water in our shower going out 6 wks after moving into "our new, first home" was brutal! Especially since our first plumber basically told me that there was "no hope" for our master toilet. He put the fear of God in me that our buildings pipes were so rusty that the master toilet was out of business until our entire condo bldg was repiped.

In retrospect, the dude was probably just tired from fixing one toilet and the shower and the last toilet (especially for the meager $55 Home Warranty Fee) put him over the edge.

Still, what he did was soooooo wrong. All I could do was obsess about the toilet and wonder what dire straits we'd be in if the other one went down again. I'd talk about it at dinner until my boyfriend would make me stop. I even had nightmares about it (for real). The tired plumber took advantage of my ignorance about plumbing. My friend Bruce thought the story was fishy since the water was still filling up, it just wouldn't go down. But he's in Mississippi right now, so he couldn't check it out himself.

Three plumbers and a long auger later - the true culprit was found.

A torn off, ripped apart fiber mop head. A dual plumbing team pulled it out - one of 'em said - "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but you have got tree roots in your pipes." It seemed kinda weird since I'm on the third floor, but again - what do I know? His partner said, "Huh-uh, no" and, on closer look, we realized it was a mop.

So either an angry cleaning lady or the dude being foreclosed on before us must've done that number on the commode.

Giddy that it was finally fixed, I thanked the plumbers endlessly, gushing that they were "MY SAVIORS." Not sure how to react they just said, "You are welcome, nice lady" and backed out the door.

I am now going to purchase an auger of my very own. Who doesn't want a new, long and strong tool. (Sorry, that one was too easy to resist).

So forget rock stars, good plumbers are the ones who really rock!

Testing the Market

My real estate agent encouraged me to become an agent so I thought "what the hell" and recently enrolled in classes. We're mainly learning how to pass the licensing test and it's interesting how the mini-mogul dreamers in the real estate world parallel the wanna-be's in the Hollywood world.

There is, of course, "The Stunning One," ie - the actress type.

But not the type that's serious about learning her craft, the "just discover me already" type who is obsessively well put together. Tanned, flawless skin. Designer couture. Buffed to a shine porsche. Just the right amount of knock-out, all real cleavage.
I'm absolutely positive bachelor dudes will hire her just to be close (and to get a shot at getting off her Versace dress).

However, she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. And that makes me happy ;)

There's also "The Dudes." Shlubby with an obtuse, but straight-forward look at things. They bond quickly and travel in packs. They're buds with "Chandler" - an easy-going guy who's a spitting image of our former "Friend."

Then there's the "Over-Achiever" - she proclaimed a couple of times how she just graduated. We all thought she was talking about college. Turns out she's 18 and just graduated high school.

And I try to avoid "The Chatty Cathy's." They are low-rent versions of "The Stunning One" - they wear designer knock-offs with tanned a decade too long skin. They talk non-stop during the class and it's super annoying. One just doesn't get it most the time and the other one has to explain everything ad nauseam. Maybe if they just LISTENED it would help. They stake out the chain restaurants at lunch, not daring to risk going to the cool Japanese fare in the area. They're probably from Orange County.

I made a new friend too. A Korean woman who grew up in Sacramento, but whose parents pushed her into an arranged marriage. We were all stunned that still happened. She was teaching English in Japan when her dad called and told her she had to come back to California to get married. She wanted a picture and thought he looked too old. Her dad said he was a dentist so she thought, "well, at least my teeth will get fixed." They set a wedding date and then corresponded (turns out he was a chiropractor so then she thought, "at least my bones will get cracked.") and on her way back to Sacramento, she secretly stopped in LA to meet her fiance. They got along okay so they went through with the marriage. She found out on their wedding day that he was actually 2 years younger than her and complained to her dad - "you know I don't like younger men!"

The first year was nice, dating and getting to know each other. And then in the second year, when they knew each other, they argued a lot. Now they have two kids and are fine - if not ecstatic - about one another.

Maybe it's not so different from regular relationships. But Korean culture frowns on divorce so guess they're kinda stuck. Good or bad - they have to make the best of it. In LA, that might be a lost art.

Okay, that wasn't a funny ending - so go drink and be merry! It's Friday!

Wise Words from a Disembodied German Robot

Who knew a robotic voice (with an accent, no less) could speak such emotional truth! The robo-cadence gives it that "Stephen Hawkins" authority of higher intelligence vibe!

Recommended by my cousin Sarah - feel free to sit back, kick up your feet and enjoy...

BlueTooth Ache

I hate it. It never sticks right in my ear and kinda hurts (especially with my ear infection). Plus it gets earwax all over it. I thought it was a good idea, until I actually had to use one. I spend so much time fiddling with it that I am much more of a road hazard now.

Plus it makes us all look like cyborg telemarketers.

The dude below has the right idea on how to tackle these new rules from "the man" (ie - the man with stocks in bluetooth companies). The duct tape even helps give it that toothache feel.

I'm sorry, but there are some things you really just want to hold in your hand ;)


<http://dogtownink.com/01/duct-tape-hands-free-headset>

KAISER CHIEFS Video

My cousin Corinne started a show and tell session yesterday and this Kaiser Chiefs video she shared ROCKS!

Who knew balancing a tennis ball and philosophizing could go hand in hand (or nose and eye socket ;) :

KOREATOWN MUSINGS and MUSICAL SENIORS

The condo we moved to in Koreatown (known to the locals as K-town) is an eclectic mix of all ages, all ethnicities and bad plumbing.  Definitely an explosive combination ;)  

And -since I've been housebound - I've had loads of time to observe the neighbors, perched from my balcony looking out at others like Jimmy Stewart in REAR WINDOW.  There's the gray ponytailed hippie dude who owns a weathered Craftsman across the street.  He mows his dying brown lawn with a manual push mower and leaves his door wide open on hot nights.  I'm glad he and the 2 other Craftsman owners  are holding out on developers - because we have a clear view of the sky and sunsets over palm trees and the mountains.  It's a reminder that we live in Southern California - a view that's constantly being threatened as bungalows and historical bldgs are mowed down for modern hi-rises that leave you in the shadows.  

There's a halfway house down the street here too - a cute little gingerbread house packed with tense strangers trying to get clean and get along.  One woman there just sits on the grass and pouts, staring at passers-by like she wants to stir up trouble.  Look at her a second too long and she'll wave and make ruder gestures.  Further down - older Korean women sit on stoops and chat while little kids run in the sprinklers and skateboards skid along the pavement.  

And in my building - for some reason - the seniors that live here like to sing and sing LOUD! Yesterday the resident mayor of the bldg was belting out Jewish/Fiddler on the Roof type tunes in the laundry room.  It echoed into the pkng garage.  I don't really know how to handle spontaneous singing in real life and so I did what anyone would do... I walked around the bldg and came in a different entrance.  

My friend Leslie encountered another older woman from our bldg fervently singing patriotic tunes as she exited the Ralph's grocery shuttle bus.  Leslie and the bus driver shared a "holy shit" look.   We appreciate patriotic standards in the company of others, but individually it's a harder sell.  

And the 60+ woman who lives next to me (and wears flowing Mrs. Roper mu-mus all day - I'd probably be her if fuzzy pajamas weren't more in fashion now) came out on her porch on the 4th and didn't sing, but waved a flag slowly and deliberately - like a beauty queen on a float.  Again, it was awkward to behold, but it was real.  And maybe we need to see real and not just flashy a little bit more so we get used to it again.  Maybe.  

ER Tales

Just got my bill from my Emergency Room visit - $1700+.  Ugh!  Basically - as everyone knows - health insurance really sucks these days!  

The ER is a strange world of its own - from the "seen it all" desk workers/security guards/nurses and doctors to all the crazies coming in to the just plain old sick waiting HOURS to be admitted.  

And they really should do something about their choice of channels.  I desperately tried to zone out the colon cleanse sagas on the TV infomercials (do we really need to hear how one man saw his daughter's healthy poop in the toilet and it made him realize it was time to hydro-jet his insides?), but the informercial kept playing over and over and over.   It was like being in one of Dante's circles of hell.    

There was more drama in the waiting room than on the TV.  A middle-aged Hispanic man screaming at the laid-back Jamaican security guard - waving a finger in his face and calling him "a LIAR."  A youngish woman in spandex sobbing like a baby - she seemed to be a prostitute who was hit by her pimp.  But if anyone paid attention to her, her sobbing would stop and she'd glow and pose and strut. And a well groomed but burn-out type dude with a bloody, broken nose sitting next to us who exclaimed aloud about how he'd just been pistol whipped by men wearing handkerchiefs over their faces outside Jones - which is a club in a decent West Hollywood neighborhood.  The police showed up and we didn't see the burn-out dude again...  

Those are my ER tales.  Anyone else?????  

Peggie - I know you have some!

Vestibular Neuronitis

Now try and say that 3 times fast :)  

That's whats I gots right now and it sucks major!  I am literally off my rocker with a strange virus that causes an inner ear infection on the nerve that lets your brain know if you're upside down or right side up.  I am mainly wobbly - like a weeble, but I might fall down.  

Had a majorly intense vertigo episode in the ENT doctor's office and caused a pile-up for the Botox folks.  It was surreal to be barfing in a wicker wastebasket in the lobby while people were literally lined in the aisles with numbing gel or pulling their hair back for their Botox fix (the ladies room was 3 floors up, whoever designed that medical bldg should be shot!). Those Botox/cosmetic addicts are crazy!  They push their way into the office, pleading for an emergency Botox and collagen appt., forgetting that occasionally ENT doctors service people with real medical issues! 

Do you have any surreal medical experiences?  

Absurb LA moments in the doctor's office like when I saw Shannon Tweed (Mrs. Gene Simmons) fanning her breasts like they were on fire at the dermatologists.  Not sure what kinda rash she had, but I sat far, far away - the germs on her man's wagging tongue alone could wipe out many a population.  

So if you do have some of these medical moments - please tell :) I need some good stories since I'm stuck in the house :)

Sword Tales

Got a ceremonial sword hanging on your mantle?  Do you like to joust with friends in the backyard after a long day at your cubicle?  Or do you enjoy playing pirate in the bedroom -letting out a deep, guttural ARGHHHH!!!! as you use the sharp edge of your sword to rip off your wenches corset with a mere flick of the wrist?

Well, think twice - and then twice again - before you brandish that weapon of steel.  Girls and Boys, I (well really my friend, Bruce, a leading pop culture expert) bring you Mr. Tripp Fisk and ... Cautionary Tales of Swords!!!  

Ex's and Bad Shorts

Yep, see 'em and weep... for me.  I was adorned in these fine fellows when I ran into not one, but two ex's a couple of wknds ago.  

It doesn't matter how good your current relationship is, you always want to look super cool when you run into an ex.  You want your former flame to think of "the good ole days" wistfully. You want them to sigh deeply and shed a tear for what could've been.  You want them to still think you're HOT!

Alas, I failed miserably.

So, remember, when you step out of the house (or if you're sitting on your porch when the Google Maps van goes by) - you may forever be immortalized in your current attire.

PS - Dan, I know you are appalled!  Leslie would've gotten hell for this ;)

Always Beautiful - But Wanting Some Ugly Soon

Yeah, I'm lame on the blogging.  I know.  Been mired in real estate hell trying to buy a foreclosure - some day I'll tell jokes about it and our lame escrow officer at INational in La Jolla who whoops it up and flirts with the UPS guy while keeping me on hold for 3 minutes+ when our escrow is already 2 weeks late in opening.  

Kinda reminds me of Jennifer Coolidge's crush on the UPS guy in LEGALLY BLONDE.  Guess those guys doing the heavy lifting in brown shorts trump all!  Take that - Fed Ex!

And speaking of movies, I am reading a stack of scripts and I gotta say this - once, just once - I'd like to read about a woman described as "in her late 40's and horribly, horribly ugly.  No poise. No class.  She just is.  And you know what, you respect her for that."

Women in scripts are 30 years old or less and are always "beautiful" or "striking" (unless they are a mother or aunt or gum snapping detective or hooker who "was once beautiful.").  Today the woman I am reading about is: "Beautiful despite the large surgical dressing that covers her face and the bruises that cover the other half."  Man, she must be a mega looker if she's still a hottie under all that.

Anyhow - promise to write more soon.  If you have any foreclosure questions - feel free to ask!!!

Natalie Portman Kicks Ass!

I do have to write a blog on my recent humiliation play class, but as I procrastinate, I will share a super fun and cool video of Natalie Portman as potty mouthed rapper. My handsome man had not seen it - so maybe you haven't either. She may weigh only 100 lbs, but Natalie will kick your ass and %&$^ on your face!

Ahh - Hypocrisy...

It strikes again! I really did think Elliot Spitzer was the new Eliot Ness. But, alas, the thrill of danger and the lure of high priced sex in a stately and stuffy D.C. hotel room was too much to resist. Check out the legal details, along with the obviously guilty Spitzer's almost cartoonish - "I'm in deep shit of my own making" face here -

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0310082spitzer1.html

The hypocrisy is pure American tragicomedy, but I do feel bad for his wife and 3 daughters. His wife stood closely at his side as he spoke. Elegantly composed, she looked only at him, his notes and mainly at the ground. Her sad strength added a human element to yet another smarmy water cooler tale - the formerly righteous crusader's sins are now exposed for all.   

Alone In Your Room

Remember when you were a kid and you gave it your all, belting out a tune in your room or the bathroom or even the closet. You not only sang it, you felt it. Deeply.

I still remember Jennifer and I "bustin' a move" to Billy Squier's STROKE ME (yes, this will date me ;) in her bedroom adorned with Tiger Beat photos of Michael Jackson. Did we know what Billy meant?! No! But that didn't matter, we thought we did!

And on that note - watch this and relive the moment!

Nick's Coronet Pub Closed

Bummer :( Just heard from a former bartender who is now at THIRD STOP. Another greedy landlord jacking up the rent kicked out a perfectly good tenant.

A moment of silence please for a former beacon beckoning regular Joe guests in the over-hyped and over-priced smoggy LA night. A laid-back bar with no attitude where you could actually converse with your friends over cheap beer and doritos. You will be missed.

Rural Women Have Healthier Breasts Than City Girls

While blogging myself on google (to see if my site came up), I stumbled upon this:

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Village-Women-Have-Healthier-Boobs-71999.shtml

Hmmm... since I spent my formative years in rural/village settings when my breasts were ripening - hopefully this still refers to me!

Down with the Flu

Second time already this year! Ridiculous! These horrible things going around are virulent and long-lasting, so stay healthy! In the mean time, I am learning how to post YouTube videos on this blog. You might've already seen these, but if not - enjoy!

SARAH SILVERMAN F&%$ing MATT DAMON:



JIMMY KIMMEL F$%&ing BEN AFFLECK (this one's a celebrity studded event):




There's one of SETH ROGEN F&^%ing ELIZABETH BANKS now too, but I thought you might need some rest! If not, look it up on YOU TUBE or DEFAMER!

I Like to Look ;)

A lot. Below please find my internet picks for the best places to read cool news (and procrastinate):

http://defamer.com - Hollywood gossip and legit industry news. Smart attitude coupled with sarcastic wit.

http://www.drudgereport.com - Swings right with screaming headlines. But links to legit articles and tawdry scoops worldwide.

http://la.curbed.com - Thee place to go if you live in LA and are home shopping or just curious about the new developments or weird ass buildings in your hood. Curbed covers other major metros too - it's addicting!

http://www.theonion.com - When you need a laugh at the absurdity of it all. And I met my incredible beau through their personals site. Yay internet!

http://wonkette.com - founder Ana Marie Cox is a whip smart political ace. Since founding Wonkette she's become Time.com's Washington editor and can be often seen on the tee-vee serving up her insights with the best of 'em. A must during this election season!

http://www.salon.com - used to cost $$ so I'm just getting into it again now (without signing up for "trial" membership and bowing out before being charged). New Yorker caliber critics take on all topics.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com - Takes all the movie reviews for an upcoming film and compiles a rating based on the critics' comments. If you really want to see a film, you'll ignore the collective rating. But if you're on the fence, it'll make up your mind.

All Hail the 99 cent store!

They had the same Venus Flytrap I paid $7.99 for at Bristol Farms! Ugh! I shoulda scoped the 99 cent store out first!

Science Fair Flashback

Today I had a childhood flashback in a most unexpected venue - Bristol Farms. Hungry for rainy day sustenance, I stopped in for their chili - basil chicken mixed with roadhouse style is mighty good.  For a hellaciously over-priced store, their soups and sushi are surprisingly affordable. Mixed among the $30 bouquets by the check-out was a plant that demanded respect and wayward flies with its water - The Venus Flytrap.    

I had one when I was 11.  It was my science fair project and my obsession.  Its inner leaves had a ruby glow and irresistible scent that attracted insects like a femme fatale in a skin-tight dress on a sticky summer night. I even touched it myself 'cause I liked to feel it clamp down on my finger.  Unfortunately, I touched it too much and it died.  Scrambling for another project - I decided on ants.  But I was going to be different - no ant farms for me.  Too contained.  I went to Catholic school, I wanted to gross out the nuns.  I looked in the phone book for the nearest city - Toledo, Ohio.  I called every specialty store - trying desperately to find chocolate covered ants.  I had read about them in the paper, they were a new delicacy, and I wanted the nuns to have to try them.  I had eaten bugs myself - no biggie.  I'm not sure why I did.  Maybe for the attention.  Maybe to freak my fellow students out.  Who knows.  Luckily I got boobs early, otherwise I would've forever been known as the girl who ate bugs.  

Much to my chagrin - there were no chocolate covered ants for sale, I changed my project to molds and brought in limberger cheese.  Now that's some stinky shit.  I turned heads and people pinched their noses as I walked in the small gym. It was filled with rickety folding tables that we used to set up our projects framed by 3-sided cardboard boards.  I won first prize for my class, but only had one nun as a judge.  And she politely abstained from trying the cheese.  Oh well.  I tried. 

And recently I've wondered...  What about all those students who did the solar system models? Do they feel let down now that Pluto's not really considered a planet?  Are they pissed off at their under-paid science teachers and NASA???

Anyhow - I am very happy about my new Venus Fly trap.  I'm putting it in the sun during the day and in my pasta filled cupboard at night. Beware bugs, that sweet green seducer with the ruby pink lips is going to suck you dry!           

Fresh REEKS!

When did "fresh" get so stale?!  I'm puttin' a quarter in the rotten jar every time I hear someone describe something as "fresh." 

And I'm spendin' my rotten $ on old standbys like cheap French Cote du Rhone that still leaves you hang-over free (unless you drink the whole bottle) along with a Chronic contact high at Troyer's followed by a nice greasy thick piece of Palermo's Pizza Rosa and some greenbean casserole - just like mom made it!  A decadent combination of canned green beans, those french fried pringly onion things and grayer than gray mushroom soup.  Is it fresh?  Of course not! But it is tasty.

 

What tasty non-fresh things would you spend your rotten $ on?  Comment in the comment section and I'll try your suggestions out!  

Alternative Education

So I decided to take some new classes this year, knowledge is always power and I have a huge text book fetish.  I found a seminar that sounded interesting - "Head Games" at The Pleasure Chest, LA's premier sex store.  Two pierced and tattooed beauties - Courtney and Shelby - with identical high arched, glam eyebrows were our educators. Courtney was raven-haired with a sleeve of bright colored tattoos on her right arm.  She wore a slinky wife beater with no bra and it was hard not to stare at her breasts and almost visible nipples. I'm not gay or bi, but I can always appreciate a good set.  Shelby was a striking red head with piercings.  She majored in religious studies and philosophy, but her human sexuality minor ended up being her passion and her bread and butter.

A dozen women gathered in an area roped off by a red velvet curtain in the bondage clothing and brief section.  I looked around at my fellow classmates - we went from late 20's to 30's and mid 40's, possibly early 50's.  No one stood out as an obvious student for a blow job class.  A couple of women made jokes, but no one was visibly uncomfortable.  Our teachers introduced themselves and started the class by responsibly going over STD's.  Then they went into condoms and lube (their recommends at the bottom).  I felt a bit awkward getting out my notebook, but there was no way I was going to remember all this.  As I started diligently taking notes, I noticed that at least 4 other women were jotting things down themselves.  We all got a cucumber and had to put a condom on it with our mouths.  Then we were instructed on manual techniques.  Courtney warned that you should remove all rings when doing this, you could pinch your fingers.  So even the wedding rings had to go.  The woman next to me quipped, "Especially if you're not with your husband."  We got to try Jo Premium - an incredibly soft silicone lube - as we were told "the wetter the better" and shown two-handed swivel techniques. Then we moved on to oral and were shown suction tricks.  That said, enthusiasm was emphasized as more important than any skill.  Eye rolling or yawning was ruled highly verboten.  We also went over gag reflexes and how to deal with them.  Courtney joked that you can always take a time out by doing "the porno cheek" which is basically sticking your man's shaft in your mouth sideways.  It makes him look huge and is a great ego booster while you rest.  Both women were no nonsense and informative weaving personal stories of their sex play into the lesson.  We finished up with the stepchildren (testicles) chapter (varies from mano to mano), prostate pointers for the brave and sex toys.  One woman in the class was highly knowledgeable, commenting that Kama Sutra lubes are all sugar and can cause infection as well as the fact that cock rings with clitoral vibrators take expensive watch batteries that run out quickly.  

Class ended with Courtney and Shelby confirming the rumor that Altoids under the tongue can be used for your man's menthol pleasure and you can even try some pop rocks for fun.  Since we got a 10% discount, most of us left class and picked up our own Jo Premium silicone lube and $1.25 rubber cock rings.  Needless to say, our respective beaus were going to be some very lucky dudes ;)

Courtney and Shelby's (www.thetwoladies.com) recommends.  In addition to being sex instructors, both of them worked at Pleasure Chest for years.  Basically, they know their stuff.

Latex condom faves - Pleasure Plus (squeezes less at head) and Inspiral (shell shaped, a must for pierced fellows).  Polyurethane faves (for those allergic to latex) - Avanti, Trojan Supra.

Lubes - Oil base of any kind is a no/no - disintegrates condoms, can cause infection.  Use Water based lubes - they like Sliquid H2o.  Has no wax or glycerine and is recommended for vegans :) Silicone based Premium Jo is also highly lauded (only premium Jo is silicone).  Super soft. Some people are sensitive to this though.  

And, yes, I did wear my new boots (above) to class.  It seemed wrong to be the usual slumpy student for this seminar ;)

Searching for Identity (must be catchy and easy to spell)

Identity is tricky. From childhood to high school to "real life" - we brand one another with nicknames and taunts, accolades and insults.  When I was in high school I hated being called a bitch, now it doesn't bother me so much, sometimes I even appreciate it.  Same with slut - ahh, if I really was the slut the junior jock girls branded me then I'd have been an uber cool 30ish single woman, able to fuck around with detached abandon.  But it was not to be, booze fueled escapades morphed into emotional attachment.  Days were wasted recovering from hang-overs in puffy-faced despair lying on my hardwood floors and writing poems drenched in self pity like "I feel like the sad Southern belle, the one Tennessee Williams knew so well..."  Yeah, the reckless whining and rhyming had to stop.  But, I digress.  

Rural City Girl is my blog 'cause I was bred in the rural farming community of Berkey, Ohio (pop. 260).  After college I moved to Chicago (I was tired of people asking me "What are you going to do with your life after you graduate?" and answering "I'm moving to Chicago" quelled the questions).  And then I rode West (in a Dodge Shadow with my dad) to Los Angeles where I've hung my hat for a long spell.  

And - I tell you what - there are plenty of true tall tales in Hollywood, but overall, the ones from Berkey, Ohio rival the best of 'em.  More on those to come.  

In the meantime - I'd like to share my Southern Rural City friend's awesome short film - RETURN OF THE KING.  Raconteur Bruce Bridges is from Los Angeles by way of Mississippi - where the King's forever in bell bottom jumpsuits with sideburns as thick as a raccoon's tail.  You'll find the link in the top Right hand corner - Enjoy!