Vestibular Neuronitis

Now try and say that 3 times fast :)  

That's whats I gots right now and it sucks major!  I am literally off my rocker with a strange virus that causes an inner ear infection on the nerve that lets your brain know if you're upside down or right side up.  I am mainly wobbly - like a weeble, but I might fall down.  

Had a majorly intense vertigo episode in the ENT doctor's office and caused a pile-up for the Botox folks.  It was surreal to be barfing in a wicker wastebasket in the lobby while people were literally lined in the aisles with numbing gel or pulling their hair back for their Botox fix (the ladies room was 3 floors up, whoever designed that medical bldg should be shot!). Those Botox/cosmetic addicts are crazy!  They push their way into the office, pleading for an emergency Botox and collagen appt., forgetting that occasionally ENT doctors service people with real medical issues! 

Do you have any surreal medical experiences?  

Absurb LA moments in the doctor's office like when I saw Shannon Tweed (Mrs. Gene Simmons) fanning her breasts like they were on fire at the dermatologists.  Not sure what kinda rash she had, but I sat far, far away - the germs on her man's wagging tongue alone could wipe out many a population.  

So if you do have some of these medical moments - please tell :) I need some good stories since I'm stuck in the house :)

Sword Tales

Got a ceremonial sword hanging on your mantle?  Do you like to joust with friends in the backyard after a long day at your cubicle?  Or do you enjoy playing pirate in the bedroom -letting out a deep, guttural ARGHHHH!!!! as you use the sharp edge of your sword to rip off your wenches corset with a mere flick of the wrist?

Well, think twice - and then twice again - before you brandish that weapon of steel.  Girls and Boys, I (well really my friend, Bruce, a leading pop culture expert) bring you Mr. Tripp Fisk and ... Cautionary Tales of Swords!!!  

Ex's and Bad Shorts

Yep, see 'em and weep... for me.  I was adorned in these fine fellows when I ran into not one, but two ex's a couple of wknds ago.  

It doesn't matter how good your current relationship is, you always want to look super cool when you run into an ex.  You want your former flame to think of "the good ole days" wistfully. You want them to sigh deeply and shed a tear for what could've been.  You want them to still think you're HOT!

Alas, I failed miserably.

So, remember, when you step out of the house (or if you're sitting on your porch when the Google Maps van goes by) - you may forever be immortalized in your current attire.

PS - Dan, I know you are appalled!  Leslie would've gotten hell for this ;)

Always Beautiful - But Wanting Some Ugly Soon

Yeah, I'm lame on the blogging.  I know.  Been mired in real estate hell trying to buy a foreclosure - some day I'll tell jokes about it and our lame escrow officer at INational in La Jolla who whoops it up and flirts with the UPS guy while keeping me on hold for 3 minutes+ when our escrow is already 2 weeks late in opening.  

Kinda reminds me of Jennifer Coolidge's crush on the UPS guy in LEGALLY BLONDE.  Guess those guys doing the heavy lifting in brown shorts trump all!  Take that - Fed Ex!

And speaking of movies, I am reading a stack of scripts and I gotta say this - once, just once - I'd like to read about a woman described as "in her late 40's and horribly, horribly ugly.  No poise. No class.  She just is.  And you know what, you respect her for that."

Women in scripts are 30 years old or less and are always "beautiful" or "striking" (unless they are a mother or aunt or gum snapping detective or hooker who "was once beautiful.").  Today the woman I am reading about is: "Beautiful despite the large surgical dressing that covers her face and the bruises that cover the other half."  Man, she must be a mega looker if she's still a hottie under all that.

Anyhow - promise to write more soon.  If you have any foreclosure questions - feel free to ask!!!

Natalie Portman Kicks Ass!

I do have to write a blog on my recent humiliation play class, but as I procrastinate, I will share a super fun and cool video of Natalie Portman as potty mouthed rapper. My handsome man had not seen it - so maybe you haven't either. She may weigh only 100 lbs, but Natalie will kick your ass and %&$^ on your face!

Ahh - Hypocrisy...

It strikes again! I really did think Elliot Spitzer was the new Eliot Ness. But, alas, the thrill of danger and the lure of high priced sex in a stately and stuffy D.C. hotel room was too much to resist. Check out the legal details, along with the obviously guilty Spitzer's almost cartoonish - "I'm in deep shit of my own making" face here -

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0310082spitzer1.html

The hypocrisy is pure American tragicomedy, but I do feel bad for his wife and 3 daughters. His wife stood closely at his side as he spoke. Elegantly composed, she looked only at him, his notes and mainly at the ground. Her sad strength added a human element to yet another smarmy water cooler tale - the formerly righteous crusader's sins are now exposed for all.   

Alone In Your Room

Remember when you were a kid and you gave it your all, belting out a tune in your room or the bathroom or even the closet. You not only sang it, you felt it. Deeply.

I still remember Jennifer and I "bustin' a move" to Billy Squier's STROKE ME (yes, this will date me ;) in her bedroom adorned with Tiger Beat photos of Michael Jackson. Did we know what Billy meant?! No! But that didn't matter, we thought we did!

And on that note - watch this and relive the moment!