Yes, I know my eggs are drying out, but I want my f%$#ing wristband!!!

I was poo-pooed last night when I tried to show my ID to a doorman at the Avalon. The doorman (who I shall refer to as ED2 - European Douche Doorman) gave me the dismissive once over and a "come on, bitch, you're old" gaze and refused to give me a wristband after he had given all my friends and my boyfriend one.

With an irritated and bruised ego, I proceeded to the door where the woman wondered why I didn't have a wristband and said I needed one if I wanted to drink. I shrugged and said, "He wouldn't give me one, he thinks it's beyond obvious that I'm old." She winced like "I'm not so sure," or maybe just "You can't drink without it" so I barged back up to ED2 and said "I'm gonna need the wristband anyhow."

ED2 was mid to late 40's with that Eurotrash air of superiority (even though he was working the door on a Wednesday night). And I wasn't out clubbing (never did that when I was young anyhow, this whole LA Velvet rope business is considered bullshit where I come from). The concert's average age was 35 and the crowd was guy heavy so maybe ED2 was just pissy 'cause his regular gaggle of young girls were absent. And, yeah, I know I'm no spring chicken anymore. My gynecologist gave me the "you better procreate this summer or freeze some fertilized eggs fast" spiel a couple of months ago. Ugh!

When we left that night I saw ED2 smirking, a bemused smug on his face as he watched a sweet and chubby geek pose for a photo in front of THE HOLD STEADY marquee. ED2 is too self involved to know the pure glee of seeing your favorite band perform and jumping around like a fool with your friends as you shout out their lyrics as one. And ED2 is WAY behind the curve, geeks and cougars have been the new cool for some time now.

I wish Mr. European Douche Doorman many more late Wednesday nights working the door in the superficial realm of Hollywood he calls home. And he can kiss my fat, white, aging ass too!

Check out THE HOLD STEADY below. The lead singer is what you get when you cross Woody Allen with the gesticulations of Joe Cocker - throw in some Bruce Springsteen intonation and catchy stories about parties, getting drunk and high, getting dumped, getting thrown in jail or landing in the hospital (one of my favorite lyrics - "It started recreational and ended up getting medical.").

THE HOLD STEADY songs introduce you to a cast of unique characters - like some of your favorite, if slightly crazy, pals. Seeing their shows is a fantastic experience for any age!!!

And She Was Shakin' (Woe-Ohhh-Oh-Oh-Oh)

Had a 5.4 earthquake yesterday. The chandeliers in the banquet room where I was taking a real estate class started rattling and, after a moment of confusion, someone shouted out, "Earthquake."

I may have even been that person (a couple of people said I was) but I don't remember. A dude sleeping directly under one of the chandeliers quickly jumped up. We started to file outside while everything kept rolling. You depend on the ground at least being stable, but like everything else, it's not.

The shaking stopped and we went back to class, chattering about it a second and making guesses on its magnitude - I guessed 3.8 - boy, was I off.

The dude who was sleeping in class moved to another seat and pointed to the ceiling - he wasn't sitting under a chandelier anymore. Our teacher went back to our chapter on legal disclosures in real estate contracts - which included fault line disclosures. The dude promptly laid his head back on the table and zoned out.

At lunch one of my classmates said she didn't mind earthquakes at all since she grew up with them. I asked her what was her biggest one and she said simply - "8.5."

Holy shit!

I thought the 6.7 Northridge quake I experienced in '94 was AWFUL! I can't imagine that.

My classmate grew up in Mexico and the 8.5 quake brought down her school. She said they went to several other schools that year while their school was rebuilt. It wasn't a big deal to her. Everything's relative.

It was our last day of Legal Aspects class so a small group of us took a picture. Of course, the sleeping dude struck a "white guy posing as rapper" stance and shouted out, "we're gonna be million dollar agents!!!"

Let's hope the properties we sell (or the one we just bought) are retrofitted...

Now try and guess the 80's rocker who sang the song above. Some may think it cheesy, but I LOVE that tune! And yesterday, she (Los Angeles) literally was shakin'!

Toonces Without A Cause

Remember Toonces - the awesome driving cat on SNL?

I was thinking about things I miss - and Toonces and Mr Bill are two of them. Why - to be honest - I can't totally articulate. But they're funny and memorable - they just are...

So sit back and relive the 80's as Toonces becomes a greaser Rebel and shows the other hoodlum wanna-be's how to go over the edge with a BANG - BOOM - BANG - CRASH!!!

Plumbers Rock (and wield a lean, mean steel auger too)!

Having both toilets and the hot water in our shower going out 6 wks after moving into "our new, first home" was brutal! Especially since our first plumber basically told me that there was "no hope" for our master toilet. He put the fear of God in me that our buildings pipes were so rusty that the master toilet was out of business until our entire condo bldg was repiped.

In retrospect, the dude was probably just tired from fixing one toilet and the shower and the last toilet (especially for the meager $55 Home Warranty Fee) put him over the edge.

Still, what he did was soooooo wrong. All I could do was obsess about the toilet and wonder what dire straits we'd be in if the other one went down again. I'd talk about it at dinner until my boyfriend would make me stop. I even had nightmares about it (for real). The tired plumber took advantage of my ignorance about plumbing. My friend Bruce thought the story was fishy since the water was still filling up, it just wouldn't go down. But he's in Mississippi right now, so he couldn't check it out himself.

Three plumbers and a long auger later - the true culprit was found.

A torn off, ripped apart fiber mop head. A dual plumbing team pulled it out - one of 'em said - "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but you have got tree roots in your pipes." It seemed kinda weird since I'm on the third floor, but again - what do I know? His partner said, "Huh-uh, no" and, on closer look, we realized it was a mop.

So either an angry cleaning lady or the dude being foreclosed on before us must've done that number on the commode.

Giddy that it was finally fixed, I thanked the plumbers endlessly, gushing that they were "MY SAVIORS." Not sure how to react they just said, "You are welcome, nice lady" and backed out the door.

I am now going to purchase an auger of my very own. Who doesn't want a new, long and strong tool. (Sorry, that one was too easy to resist).

So forget rock stars, good plumbers are the ones who really rock!

Testing the Market

My real estate agent encouraged me to become an agent so I thought "what the hell" and recently enrolled in classes. We're mainly learning how to pass the licensing test and it's interesting how the mini-mogul dreamers in the real estate world parallel the wanna-be's in the Hollywood world.

There is, of course, "The Stunning One," ie - the actress type.

But not the type that's serious about learning her craft, the "just discover me already" type who is obsessively well put together. Tanned, flawless skin. Designer couture. Buffed to a shine porsche. Just the right amount of knock-out, all real cleavage.
I'm absolutely positive bachelor dudes will hire her just to be close (and to get a shot at getting off her Versace dress).

However, she's not the sharpest tool in the shed. And that makes me happy ;)

There's also "The Dudes." Shlubby with an obtuse, but straight-forward look at things. They bond quickly and travel in packs. They're buds with "Chandler" - an easy-going guy who's a spitting image of our former "Friend."

Then there's the "Over-Achiever" - she proclaimed a couple of times how she just graduated. We all thought she was talking about college. Turns out she's 18 and just graduated high school.

And I try to avoid "The Chatty Cathy's." They are low-rent versions of "The Stunning One" - they wear designer knock-offs with tanned a decade too long skin. They talk non-stop during the class and it's super annoying. One just doesn't get it most the time and the other one has to explain everything ad nauseam. Maybe if they just LISTENED it would help. They stake out the chain restaurants at lunch, not daring to risk going to the cool Japanese fare in the area. They're probably from Orange County.

I made a new friend too. A Korean woman who grew up in Sacramento, but whose parents pushed her into an arranged marriage. We were all stunned that still happened. She was teaching English in Japan when her dad called and told her she had to come back to California to get married. She wanted a picture and thought he looked too old. Her dad said he was a dentist so she thought, "well, at least my teeth will get fixed." They set a wedding date and then corresponded (turns out he was a chiropractor so then she thought, "at least my bones will get cracked.") and on her way back to Sacramento, she secretly stopped in LA to meet her fiance. They got along okay so they went through with the marriage. She found out on their wedding day that he was actually 2 years younger than her and complained to her dad - "you know I don't like younger men!"

The first year was nice, dating and getting to know each other. And then in the second year, when they knew each other, they argued a lot. Now they have two kids and are fine - if not ecstatic - about one another.

Maybe it's not so different from regular relationships. But Korean culture frowns on divorce so guess they're kinda stuck. Good or bad - they have to make the best of it. In LA, that might be a lost art.

Okay, that wasn't a funny ending - so go drink and be merry! It's Friday!

Wise Words from a Disembodied German Robot

Who knew a robotic voice (with an accent, no less) could speak such emotional truth! The robo-cadence gives it that "Stephen Hawkins" authority of higher intelligence vibe!

Recommended by my cousin Sarah - feel free to sit back, kick up your feet and enjoy...

BlueTooth Ache

I hate it. It never sticks right in my ear and kinda hurts (especially with my ear infection). Plus it gets earwax all over it. I thought it was a good idea, until I actually had to use one. I spend so much time fiddling with it that I am much more of a road hazard now.

Plus it makes us all look like cyborg telemarketers.

The dude below has the right idea on how to tackle these new rules from "the man" (ie - the man with stocks in bluetooth companies). The duct tape even helps give it that toothache feel.

I'm sorry, but there are some things you really just want to hold in your hand ;)


<http://dogtownink.com/01/duct-tape-hands-free-headset>